of 280. I can't decide if that seems like a really long time, or like an impossibly short time before this will be really, undeniably, real.
I'm feeling pretty good today, I sat out in the sun for a while and read, but it was a bit warm and the cats were making dying of lonliness sounds from inside, so I came back in. I do find myself choking up at like, random tv commercials and bits of shows, but that could just be because I haven't been sleeping very well lately. Can't imagine why. Still haven't told anyone, and am not planning on it. I'm torn though, I do want to, because I know the support of my family, after their initial shock, will be a tremendous support, but I just want to have the checkup first, so I can know for sure what's going on, how far along and stuff. I'm also trying to figure out how to go about telling them. I have to say, I didn't do a spectacular job of telling Grant, I just sort of...told him. I think I could probably have done better. I want to get myself all sorted out first, because there will undoubtably be a million questions, the first of which being, I'm guessing, 'are you going to get married?'. And we are. We were going to anyway, so I guess most likely we will sooner than planned. That's the main thing I'm feeling so far, is that it's not the end of the world, it's just going to force a lot of things into existence sooner than we had planned.
Friday, July 30
still pregnant
apparently. It's odd though, I think I don't really believe it, and I think I probably won't until I go to the Dr. on the 18th. I just don't really feel pregnant. Not that I have any idea what that feels like. I have some symptoms, but it's odd. I feel like I should be able to really tell, but I know that's not realistic. Apparently not all women have morning (or afternoon or evening) sickness, and it doesn't usually start until about 6 weeks, which I'm not quite, so we'll see. I'm hoping to be one of the women who doesn't have it too badly though. They say it's largely caused by lack of eating, which is why it's generally worse in the morning. Eating 4-5 smaller meals instead of 3 giant spaced out ones is supposed to help, as is having a healthy snack before bed.
But yeah, overall, I'd say my main feeling is still a sort of surreal one, where I'm expecting to wake up tomorrow and have my period. Honestly though, I feel that way about a lot of things. Grown up things. When I first got my driver's license, I remember driving down Mountain Road to go get an ice cream, and thinking to myself, 'I'm going to get pulled over'. I was just waiting for the RCMP to come and tell me that they were just kidding at the DMV, that clearly I was not old / responsible enough to be operating a vehicle all by myself. I may have agreed. I feel, a lot of the time, like I'm 14, that all this car owning, career starting, baby having business is all an act, and that at any moment, somebody is going to gently pull me aside and say...'we're onto you...'
Am I alone here? Does anyone else feel like this? It's not that I don't want these things, I very much do, I want to be grown up and do grown up things, it just seems funny to me sometimes that I could buy a house, or get married, or have children. Or all 3.
But yeah, overall, I'd say my main feeling is still a sort of surreal one, where I'm expecting to wake up tomorrow and have my period. Honestly though, I feel that way about a lot of things. Grown up things. When I first got my driver's license, I remember driving down Mountain Road to go get an ice cream, and thinking to myself, 'I'm going to get pulled over'. I was just waiting for the RCMP to come and tell me that they were just kidding at the DMV, that clearly I was not old / responsible enough to be operating a vehicle all by myself. I may have agreed. I feel, a lot of the time, like I'm 14, that all this car owning, career starting, baby having business is all an act, and that at any moment, somebody is going to gently pull me aside and say...'we're onto you...'
Am I alone here? Does anyone else feel like this? It's not that I don't want these things, I very much do, I want to be grown up and do grown up things, it just seems funny to me sometimes that I could buy a house, or get married, or have children. Or all 3.
Wednesday, July 28
So, yesterday I found out I was pregnant. It was my mom's birthday. I didn't think telling her would make a suitable gift though. My period was a few days late, as it is sometimes, and I opted to do a test to set my mind at ease. Jenn had very helpfully sent me some tests, so I had one handy. It's nice to have connections. Anyway, obviously, the test was positive. I think it doesn't really seem...real yet. I don't really know how I'm supposed to feel about it; when I did the test, I was sort of like, ok, interesting, 2 lines. That's never happened before. My initial reaction was just surprise, because I've had this (apparently irrational) fear of being unable to have children. I think it's been such a worry for me because that's one of the things I'm so sure of wanting in my life. But then reality set in. What does this mean for me? For my dream job that I'm starting in just over a month? What does this mean for my relationship? How am I going to tell him? Should I be serious? Should I try to be funny, or creative? Should I tell him right away, or should I wait to see the doctor and verify, make sure everything is ok? I called my Doctor, and was advised that false positives are very rare, that the inaccuracy in home pregnancy tests comes mainly from false negatives, where people are testing when the hormone levels are too low still. She said I could go and spend the extra $20 on another test, but that I could be fairly sure I was pregnant.
It was at this point I got a little hysterical. It didn't last long, thankfully, but I got a bit freaked out. I did go and buy another test, another brand even. I had more from Jenn, but I thought maybe they had been rendered defective from sitting in the mailbox in heat too long. I did the 2nd test yesterday afternoon, and it also came up positive. Since 2 false positives has odds somewhat akin to winning the lottery jackpot, I'm pretty sure at this point.
I've only told Grant, I don't want to tell too many people right away for fear that something might go wrong. We'll talk it over though, and decide when we want to go about telling our parents and such. It raises a lot of issues though. Grant will most likely be in Fredericton for..a long while. Starting pretty soon. I have to work here, I have a job here and no prospects of a job there, and it's quite likely I'll get my permanent contract here in the fall. These were issues before this, and now this sort of throws an extra wrench into the works. Grant needs to go to this job in Fredericton, it's an excellent opportunity and he's really excited about it. It will allow him to actually work in his field, (imagine), and to perhaps even pursue a Master's degree. Not really something he can turn down. I have my perfect job here, at a great school, and in just plain practical terms, I have to work for at least 6 months in order to get Maternity leave benefits. I have to say though, for all my conviction on these points, I'm really a little apprehensive about going through all this by myself. I know I'll have the fantastic support of my friends and family, but very few of those people are in the same city as me, so it'll be long-distance support.
So, according to the books I'm now reading, I'm almost 5 weeks along. The counting starts, confusingly enough, at the first day of your last menstrual period. Jr. is about the size of an apple seed, quite tiny.
As always, I'll keep you posted.
It was at this point I got a little hysterical. It didn't last long, thankfully, but I got a bit freaked out. I did go and buy another test, another brand even. I had more from Jenn, but I thought maybe they had been rendered defective from sitting in the mailbox in heat too long. I did the 2nd test yesterday afternoon, and it also came up positive. Since 2 false positives has odds somewhat akin to winning the lottery jackpot, I'm pretty sure at this point.
I've only told Grant, I don't want to tell too many people right away for fear that something might go wrong. We'll talk it over though, and decide when we want to go about telling our parents and such. It raises a lot of issues though. Grant will most likely be in Fredericton for..a long while. Starting pretty soon. I have to work here, I have a job here and no prospects of a job there, and it's quite likely I'll get my permanent contract here in the fall. These were issues before this, and now this sort of throws an extra wrench into the works. Grant needs to go to this job in Fredericton, it's an excellent opportunity and he's really excited about it. It will allow him to actually work in his field, (imagine), and to perhaps even pursue a Master's degree. Not really something he can turn down. I have my perfect job here, at a great school, and in just plain practical terms, I have to work for at least 6 months in order to get Maternity leave benefits. I have to say though, for all my conviction on these points, I'm really a little apprehensive about going through all this by myself. I know I'll have the fantastic support of my friends and family, but very few of those people are in the same city as me, so it'll be long-distance support.
So, according to the books I'm now reading, I'm almost 5 weeks along. The counting starts, confusingly enough, at the first day of your last menstrual period. Jr. is about the size of an apple seed, quite tiny.
As always, I'll keep you posted.